So...

So for almost 2 months I've been weaning off taking Zoloft and for almost 2 weeks I've been completely off of it. This has been without a doubt in my mind one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in the past 5 years. I'm much more irritable and angry the majority of the time along with random dizzy spells, disorientation, and lack of concentration.

So far I've learned a couple things about myself. I've learned that I haven't really had much tact when dealing with much of anything the last couple of weeks, but sometimes you just have to speak your mind and that's what I've been doing. So far it's cost me a "friend" and I use that word extremely loosely. I've known her for a while but we only recently started talking. Apparently when I told her what I was going through it seemed to be a little too much for her to fully understand. So last night I get a random text saying how "I'm missing out on friendships" and all that jazz by being this way and I honestly don't want to be this way, but its what I have to deal with for a little bit. I'm not sure why its so difficult to understand that someone is going through a tough time and will only talk to people that they're closest to...not so much on here, but its a place to vent. Needless to say, I probably could have handled the situation slightly better, but after a couple weeks of the same shit over and over I had enough and so be it, what happens...well, happens. I'm pretty sure that this will put a strain on a relationship I have with a buddy of mine that I've had for 20+ years...I just hope he can remotely understand because he's like a brother to me and his family is like my family.

Another thing I've learned is that while I usually spoke what was on my mind most of the time, I'm not really holding back what I say to anyone. It may look like I'm lashing out or picking fights with people, but its been a long time coming for those people.

Right now it just seems I'm at wits end with almost everything and I'm extremely certain that this will pay off in the long road. No more feeling like a zombie and taking a fucking pill every night of the week and being dependent upon it to make me "happy".

Fucking Hostile

Now that I'm home and I cracked open a beer (my first in almost 2 weeks) and lit a smoke I have to do something to get this shit out of my system.

Ever since yesterday I've felt an uncomfortable weight on my shoulders. No clue how it got there or what the fuck its from, but its there for whatever godforsaken reason. While at work today, I might have stumbled across why I'm so damn irritable and hostile the last couple days, so here it is in list form and in no particular order...

1. I'm finally breaking my body free of Zoloft... Yes, I take Zoloft and have been taking it since the middle of 2003. It stemmed from huge anxiety and depression that hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out that my roommate at the time was coming home from deployment and the "relationship" that I started with his girlfriend while he was gone was coming to an abrupt end. Then to put a nice fat ass cherry on top of all that, she was pregnant. Did I ever tell my roommate? No. Will he talk to me to this day? No.
2. Lazy fucking people at work... I know this is a short work week, but damn everyone feels the need to talk ALL day and not work. I hate, hate, hate laziness at work. We're there to work and make a living and not bullshit all day and talk about Obama's Health Care Plan.
3. Obama's Health Care Plan... Yep, I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm 100% against the idea because I know what its like to be part of socialized medicine from my Air Force days. Granted that was on a small scale, but it still blew more than a whore during 1/2 price Wednesday's. I don't understand the big rush to get this done. I understand they want to get it pushed through so they can have it on their political resume, but they should at least PRETEND to want to get it right. I'm sick of everyone's argument that "Canada and England do it and look at them." Yeah, look at them come over here and get the treatment they feel is far superior to what they have in their countries. Then what people don't realize is that if you get cancer in Canada or England you have a far less chance of surviving than you would if you got treatment here. Then another thing people don't realize is that this is probably a huge distraction for the Cap and Trade agreement they're trying to get going so they can rape us in our ass on stuff like electricity, gas, and fuel. This is one thing that will quietly get pushed through and leave EVERYONE dumbfounded and people like Al Gore rich off his already rich ass. Thomas Jefferson said it best, "A government big enough to give everyone everything they want is big enough to take everything away from everyone." Need I say more?
4. Halo withdrawals... Granted after a 5 day weekend I have huge issues with getting back into the swing of things, but for some reason I REALLY don't want to be at work...I REALLY want to be playing Halo all day. Does that make me sound like a loser? Yes, yes it does but its a hobby/addiction of mine and if that could pay the bills then I would love to quit the hell I work in everyday.
5. Apparently I bitch every time I talk... I know you can't tell it from this, but I don't really bitch ALL the time...just a good chunk of the time. This is pretty much the word on the street at work. We had a training class today and I swear on my life that I wasn't bitching, but the lady in charge of it said I was bitching the entire time. Apparently she has no sense of humor because I was making fun of people who couldn't crimp butt connectors or wouldn't shut the fuck up (see number 2). Yes, we actually had a training class on how to crimp butt connectors, aka 90% of our job. And yes, there were people in there that couldn't do it and they work on the same trucks I do. Apparently they make too much money or I make far too less in contrast to those assholes.

I think that pretty much covers the shit that is for some reason looming over my head and sitting its fat fucking ass on my shoulders. I do think that my ability to get decent sleep is affecting me too, but that's my own doing after the 5 day weekend and my body doesn't want to get back to where it needs to be.

That is all...for now...

...

I was going to write something, but I'm not sure I have the motivation right now. A long day of driving has made me even more tired than I usually am at this point.

My right thigh is still killing me after almost 2 weeks and I'm tired of endlessly what seems to be fighting for my job.

I just want everything to slow down for a little bit so I can breathe and smell the roses every once in awhile.

An Overdue Goodbye

Back in 1996 I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know one of the strongest women I've ever met in my life, Jo Taylor. It started when I was, as she said, knee high to a grasshopper. From then until about the time I was 15 we ran across Jo at different Shell stations around the city, and when I was 15 she transferred to one of my dad's stations. She started on the overnight shift and that abruptly ended after she got robbed while working, then she started working the 2nd shift and that's when we started working together.

Most nights were slow and sometimes we talked while other times we didn't. The times we did talk was great. I remember when she would tell me about the times when she was a kid and how much times had changed. I would ask her for advice and she would always be indifferent and always tell me the truth, no matter how much it might have hurt.

Once I quit working there to go to the military we drifted apart a little but we always kept in touch. A phone call every couple of months turned to a call every 6-8 months then turned into once a year. Then it turned into a call from my dad saying she had died back in February.

The last time we talked she had told me she was on dialysis 3 times a week and she had a bout with breast cancer which eventually took her breasts and her life. She told me how proud she was of me and that she always knew that I was capable of great things. I'm not one to say she was right, but it feels like I'm on the right track.

I've been struggling with this the past couple of months because I kept telling myself to call her and it turned into "I'll call her tomorrow." I'm not sure if I'll forgive myself for not calling her while knowing that she was fighting so much in her life. The entire time she was fighting cancer and her kidney's failing she was always upbeat and kept a positive outlook on everything. She fought until she couldn't fight anymore, but she went kept on swinging until her last breath.

I'm sorry that I never got to say a real goodbye Jo, you will be missed.

Introducing, the ballless wonder!!! A.K.A My plant manager...

The two followers I have already know this but others may not. I'm a smoker. At work we have our little "rules" for smokers and that is we're only supposed to smoke during our breaks. I have no problems in the world with that. I've been known on occasion to sneak out and have a smoke mainly at 7am and 10am everyday. I work my ass off everyday all day and if I'm not doing anything during those two times (which are not our break times) I go out and burn one. My boss doesn't care at all, he just says "don't get caught." Again, I have no problems with that. We're all grown men around there and we do what we have to do to maintain our sanity and make it through the day. We all have our own little things we do...I go out and sneak a smoke in if it urge hits me and I'm not busy. I understand its not the healthy thing to do, but it is MY CHOICE.

Getting to the point.

Today roughly at 345 my group leader and I went out to sneak a smoke in and we were a little complacent in what we were doing which led to us getting caught by our plant manager. We are both adults and are fully aware of the consequences of getting caught. Well, today we got caught by our plant manager. When one of my bosses told me about it I thought he was fucking with me and didn't think anything of it. We fuck with each other all the time so I thought it was one of those rides on the carousel, I mean why wouldn't I?

Apparently, he wasn't fucking with me. The plant manager caught me and had someone else tell me I shouldn't be smoking outside of break time. After I found that out, I was pissed. Not that I got caught smoking when I shouldn't be, but because the pussy plant manager didn't have the balls to approach us and call us out on it. He is "the boss" at the place and can't come up to us and point out what we were doing is wrong? Give me a fucking break!!!

I spent 4 years in the military and never had a problem with a boss coming up to me and saying what I was doing wasn't right. I might not have liked it, but I have always and will always take full responsibility to the things I do.

So now, tomorrow morning, I'm going to be counseled on what I did and how it wasn't right by a boss that was caught smoking when he shouldn't have been. Hopefully I'm not the only one who sees the irony in all this.

My reaction to this was pretty simple. I want the plant manager to sit me down and "counsel" me on my actions. The man is quick to point out faults, but never wants to directly deal with them. I realize that I'm not perfect and I tend to avoid confrontation, but I do realize that if I'm the man in charge and caught someone doing they weren't supposed to be doing...I'm going to take care of the problem myself.

That pussy clearly came up with a course of action but doesn't want to see it through. Give me a fucking break...

Wow...

Its amazing how fast a month has flown by and I haven't even realized it. For me its been extremely hectic and pretty much a roller coaster of emotions from day to day.

I bought my first house (which is amazing and I love) and, in turn, moved into the new house but have yet to unpack all the way still. My roommates had their first kid which, in turn, made moving all of our stuff a bigger hassle than what it is to move.

After all that settled down and when I thought things were going to chill out for at least a couple weeks my work decided we needed to be on mandatory overtime. That translates to at LEAST 10 hour work days, depending upon if we get the required amount of work done in order to go home. Oh yeah, and that comes with a pretty good chance that we are working this fucking Sunday.

I bought a badass new (refurbed) computer that I can now load up on porn with.

Got sick and better in a couple of days (which helps my drinking schedule now).

I got the biggest tax return I've ever gotten back. So yay to giving companies my money to pay down my debt so they can go bankrupt or get billions of dollars from the government to bail them out too. Luckily I don't get to keep that money because God knows that the money tree that came with the house hasn't blossomed yet. But, on the other hand I've managed to save over 40% of it and with the overtime we're working I'm able to put more away.

This hasn't happened yet, but I will lose more money in my 401(k) than I ever have at the end of this month.

My little brother turned twenty-fucking-six 2 days ago...so yay for feeling old.

I think that's really about it. I made this so I could stimulate my brain some more and inject some sort of creativity into my life and I haven't been able to do that in the past month. Here's to a semi-new start again and to my 2 readers out there...thanks for reading!!!

Aaron

What in the flying fuck is going on in the world?!?!? I just saw on the news that the great state of Indiana is going to vote on banning smoking everywhere. Most people welcome this news. I take a different more radical stand.

Most anti-smoking people can spew out a million different stats on smokers deaths but fail to recognize the other side of the coin. That being, if 5,000 people die in a certain day and 1,000 of them are from smoking related illnesses, another 1,000 from out of the ordinary circumstances (car crash, shooting), 2,500 people die diseases...then what do the remaining 500 people die from? Natural causes? That's a line full of fucking horse shit a mile long. What they should say is that so and so person died from fucking breathing.

I would be more than happy to entertain a different philosophy if someone could point out one person throughout the entire course of mankind that has yet to die. Can anybody point out one person? No, no you can't. Everyone dies, plain and simple. Some live longer than others, while some barely get to experience life at all. That's life people and its not fair and it will never be fair...get over yourselves!!!

My problem with the proposed smoking ban is that if you don't want to be around people who smoke for whatever reason, then don't!!! Right now the only places in Indy you can smoke are places where you have to be 21 to get in. I can dig that someone doesn't want their kid around people smoking. That's not unreasonable, but if you're being a self righteous prick...then that's a little unreasonable. I know that if I want to go to a bar and smoke, then I'm not going to go to a fucking Applebee's all night and drink. No, I'm going to go where grown ass people go to have an adult beverage...or two, or three, or maybe four.

All the elected officials are going to say "we're looking out for the health of other Hoosiers and blah blah blah." If that were the case then shouldn't they be looking for options to give low income people some sort of good health care and not trying to ban adults from doing what they feel like doing? Or even better yet, why not try to figure out how to keep the local economy going so people aren't getting laid off or fired everyday.

Perhaps they could impose a cerfew on every adult in the state and say you can only have one drink so nobody gets caught drinking and driving. That would basically be the same thing they're trying to do right now...population control. Population control from a group of uppity fucking rich house wives that have nothing better to do all day. They wake up in the morning and see their meal ticket (husband) off to work and figure out a way to make the world more safe. So now they call to the State House and say "but, but, but, we have to do this and if you don't put a bill into place and get it passed then when you're up for re-election then all that money we gave you to spend on hookers, coke, and booze will be gone."

All in all its an extremely simple solution. It involves something that has eluded the population for what seems to have been the past 40-50 years, and that is common fucking sense. In this case, if you don't want to be around people smoking then don't go to bars or to where people smoke.