Struggling

I don't know what it is but something inside me snapped this week. It's not exactly getting any better as the week goes, like I hoped, but it usually has in the past. Right now I'm full of anger and I'm lashing out against everyone. Usually I can hold it together when I'm dealing with people that I actually like and hold close to my heart, but that hasn't stopped me this week. It's a free-for-all and everyone's getting a piece of it if I as so much take something the wrong way. I honestly don't know what else to do about it and just hope its my "Man Rag" and it will pass not be a heavy flow kind of month...but who knows.

I recognized what was going on a couple days ago and I've withdrawn myself from normal conversation and pretty much everything. I don't really feel like doing much of shit anymore. A really good buddy of mine has announced this weekend as my birthday version 2 since the first one kind of sucked ass, and quite frankly, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to escape my basement other than to get caffeine in the morning and for food if I were to get hungry at some point during the day or night. Even if I were to get hungry I would probably just order something that could be delivered JUST so I wouldn't have to leave.

I know I'll end up going out this weekend because I have to, and because I don't miss going to see the fireworks show in my old neighborhood. Mainly because it's nice to go back there and it kind of takes me back to when I was kid, and I really miss that. I miss staying up all night, sitting outside just to enjoy the quiet and solitude, the smell of the river in the early morning, the feel of the dew from the grass on my bare feet, swinging at the knotted rope for hours, cutting the acre of grass with music blaring in my ears, taking a mini-basketball and hitting that across the yard to get my frustrations out, climbing up my favorite tree just to enjoy the view, and sitting on my roof outside the room I spent a lot time in just to watch life go by. Hopefully going back "home" will take a lot of this shit off my mind.

Maybe this weekend my buddy and me will just hammered together just because we can, and to drink some of our sorrows away. Granted our sorrows are both completely different, but it's something that hasn't happened before. It's usually been one or the other drinking away some shit rather than both of us. I could see it being a very good time, but on the flip side, I could see it being a bad and depressing time for both of us. Guess we'll find out one way or another because I'll have a long weekend to recover from the hangover and enough time to start drinking again to get rid of the said hangover...